Quizes from The Oatmeal

I’m gunna be honest. I’m pretty disappointed with my results for these. Apart from the Beiber one. I feel good about that.

Are your loved ones plotting to eat you?

Created by Oatmeal

How long could you survive on the surface of the sun?

Created by Oatmeal

What are your chances of surviving an intense lovemaking session with bigfoot?

Created by Oatmeal

How long could you survive chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor?

Created by Oatmeal

How many Justin Biebers could you take in a fight?

Created by Oatmeal

How many hungry weasels could your body feed?

Created by Oatmeal

How long could you survive after punching a bear in the balls?

Created by Oatmeal


Crimewave – Crystal Castles

Did you know that it’s impossible to find the correct lyrics for Crimewave by Crystal Castles? I was looking up the lyrics for some reason, I dunno why, I just felt like it, and discovered that nobody is certain what they are. One of the site I looked at said it was:

Eyes lit
On sharp threats
From darks lips

But lights press
The soft skin
To rough hands.

Anouther site I found said that it was:

Eyes lit
I pawn short breaths
A fawn’s dark eye lids
But life’s breath like a sun against my head

And yet a third said:

Eyes lit
I want short breaths
I found dark eye lids
Nice breasts
Like the summer into rough hands

I want to hear what you guys think the correct lyrics are. Below  I attached the true audio and a live performance. I look forward to hear what you think. I pretty much think that whichever one I’m reading at the time is correct =$

Man Points

How can I describe Man Points? It is the scoring system by which men rate each other. Doing man things gives Man Points while doing non man things taketh the Man Points away. The man with the most Man Points is the most man like. Here is a list of Man Point things. It is clearly just a short sample of criteria that all men have ingrained into their minds at the moment of their conception, if you have any you wish to add, just comment and I’ll see what I can do.

It shames me to admit that I have lost several man points through some of these rules.

Not answering any question on a test +10 mp

When asked to state something in a test write ‘no’ +5 mp

Saying no when a woman tells you to do something +5 mp +10 mp if she’s crazy

Saying no to sex with an attractive woman as you are tired -100 mp

Running like a retard -10 mp

Running like a girl -10mp

Fighting an animal +(weight of animal in kg/10) mp

Jumping down stairs +2 mp

Turning down sex from your mates girl friend +30 mp

Being little spoon -2 mp

Not finishing food -5mp

Going into water in <30mins after eating +10 mp

Hooking up with a girl and avoiding her from then on +1 mp

Referring to ex girlfriends as ‘crazy bitch’ +10 mp

Quoting Zap Brannigan to somebody who doesn’t watch Futurama +5mp

Being Zap Brannigan +50 mp

Being Old Spice Guy +500mp

Rating girls out of ten as they walk past +7 mp

Dancing with your hands above your head -15 mp

Being in a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with a hottie +30 mp

Getting lucky from a pick up line +10 mp

Having longer hair than chicks -10 mp

Watching Sex in the City -3 mp

Suiting up + 20 mp per month

Dating a girl under the creepiness rule -30 mp +50 creepy points

Getting a scar from a stupid idea +13 mp

Opening a door for women +3 mp

Having a man purse -20 mp

Having a satchel -10 mp

Having a satchel with skiddles in it +2 mp

Being Indiana Jones +80 mp

Comb-over -15 mp

Mullet +15 mp

Comb-over mullet +0 mp

Shaving Head +20 mp

Drinking straight bottle of vodka +20 mp

Vomiting after -30 mp

Backing a chick over a mate -10 mp

Teasing mates about bad hook-ups +20 mp

Being whipped -50 mp

Having a hot girlfriend +20 mp

Having a dangerous girlfriend +40 mp

Getting stabbed and not crying +15 mp

Making fun of crazy chicks +5 mp

Having bromance -20 mp

Google Statistics

I love Google. Here’s some awesome states to droll over. Hopefully at least a few people who read Crusade haven’t seen this before. Credit goes to The Pingdom blog for creating this.

I was more then a little sad when Google Wave closed down, I hope my buddies who worked on it have found nice work to do. Rumor says that a lot of them will be working on ‘Google Me’, Google’s answer to Facebook. Google Me had done a deal with… some game maker types… to make sure that they get the best games first. This is because apparently people spend 40% of their time on Facebook playing ‘games’ (I don’t think those things really deserve that name). Google Me also intends to incorporate music into itself, a feature that Facebook has long been lacking. It is important to Google to get into social media (Facebook and so forth) because the Internet is changing. Once we used to google what we wanted to find then go onto it. Google would get it’s money from advertising in the search results. Even with the launch of android and other services a stupid large (refer to picture below) amount of it’s revenue comes from this advertising. Facebook and other social media sites threaten this because now users spend more of their time on the Internet going from one known website to another (ie from Facebook to a link a Facebook friend posted, to be fair this is more commen on sites like Reddit but facebook is a better known example).

Cant wait for Google Me? Try Orkut, Google’s current social media attempt. I’ve only just started fishing around it but it seems to have one advantage already. There are different types of friends. This means you can write things about your boss that only your family can read, or you can talk about your sex life and your parents are none the wiser. I wouldn’t recommend doing either of those in a non anonymous format on the Internet. But hey, if you want to you can now.

Decoding Hidden Signals

I always have trouble understanding what people are trying to tell me unless they tell me straight up. So after much consultation I’ve put together this little phrasebook to help others who are as equally socially inept as me. If you have any thoughts or suggestion please comment.

What the girl says: I disagree with that compliment you just gave me, I don’t believe you.
What she means: Please continue saying nice things to me.

What the boy says: I would like to ask her out but I don’t think it would work.
What he means: I am much too scared to ask her out.

What the boy says: I want to hook up with her but I don’t want to complicate things.
What he means: I want to hook up with her but she said she doesn’t want to complicate things.

What the girl says: Nothing’s wrong.
What she means: I am dying inside.

What the girl says: I like Twilight.
What she means: I’m so lonely; I wish I would meet a romantic stranger like Edward, even if he’s a total tool.

What the boy says: I like James Bond.
What he means: I like pretending I’m James Bond.

What the girls says: *girly voice* oh stop that no means no.
What she means: Please continue touching me. It arouses me.
Note: When a girl says no means no it means continue, when she actually says no she means stop.

What the girl says: Leave me alone.
What she means: I need you to stay here and comfort me but I’m not going to ask you to because I’m feeling sulky.

What the girl says: You people are so weird.
What she means: I find you people to be much funnier than my regular friends, I cannot compete.

What the girl says: K.
What she means: I find you to be a totally useless person and hate everything about you. Whenever you speak to me I imagine myself stabbing you in the face with a rusty knife.

What the girl says: Ohk.
What she means: You bore me/freak me out. Leave.

What the girl says: Do I look fat in this?
What she means: I am in the mood to be mad at you and have hence asked you a question to which I will shout at you no matter what I say.

What the girl says: Your turn to cook tea.
What she means: I feel like takeaway tonight.

What she says: Do I look good in this?
What she means: I feel insecure at the moment and want you to say nice things about me.

What the girl says: I’m going out with my girl friends.
What he thinks: Lesbians.
What she means: I’m going to tell my friends about all the things I don’t like about you.

What the girl says: Let’s go visit my parents.
What she means: I’m punishing you.

What the girl says: Let’s get a puppy!
What she means: I’m testing you to see how you act around children.

What the boy says: I want to tickle you.
What he means: I want to grope you.